Are you a people-pleaser and would like to reclaim some of the energy you often syphon off to others?
I found this article from Very Well Mind to be helpful, with tips for identifying these traits and how to move away from them if they are a problem for you.
I know for me that I’m not a chronic over-pleaser who gives and gives and gives until I’ve been sucked dry, but I do tend to be hesitant about asserting my needs, in particular for space and solitude.
These are attachment-trauma issues: I worry that if I assert these needs, the other will feel like I don’t want to spend time with them.
Truth is, that as an introvert, I cannot be fully present to share my company and enjoy theirs unless I am re-charged from any extroversion my day has demanded.
I am a much better person to be around (more available, more present, more able to listen without being distracted) once I have met my need to spend time with myself.
Refusing to meet this need in myself might only be a mild form of people-pleasing but it’s people-pleasing nonetheless and I’d like to be rid of it.
The main tips I got from the article are about setting boundaries and understanding my own goals and priorities, so I have a reference point when I’m considering the choice to sacrifice my time for another.
Societal expectations drive a lot of us to be always achieving, never satisfied to just exist and accept ourselves for our inherent worth. Our self-esteem is dependent upon achievement.
I think it’s essential we question the narratives telling us we need to achieve more — always more, never enough.
What is your enough? Do we need more enoughness 😉
What would your life look like if achievement was just something you did for fun? Because you didn’t need to achieve to just feel good about yourself.
I’ve been taking stock today — taking it slow and allowing myself to get back in the groove of being a bit more organised than I have been lately. I’ve been posting a lot more here recently, but a few other things like life-admin and chores have gone by the wayside a bit.
This is okay — I’ve been riding the enthusiasm I feel for this blog and the community we can build here. It’s been making me happy. I will find the balance between running this blog and running the rest of my life, as the pendulum swings to and fro.
When I’m taking stock I like to go through my various browsers, closing tabs I’ve had open for yonks. It helps me feel a bit more organised by cutting out some of the mental noise I feel at some kind of subconscious level when I know I’ve been opening tabs like they’re going out of fashion.
Something I stopped on today was this article about how some overachievers turn to drugs for escape because no achievement is ever sufficiently satisfying. It’s published by an addiction-recovery and mental-health clinic, and covers a lot of ground (in three short sections) about how societal expectations drive a lot of us to be always achieving, never satisfied to just exist and accept ourselves for our inherent worth.
I understand this compulsion intimately, though I’m not sure I had quite made the connection between the constant need for achievement and the temptation of drugs that promise a reprieve from this pressure.
I am pleased to be able to say, though, that since I’ve been working more full-time on Kokoro 心 Heart and the business around it, I can relate more to this statement from the article:
Our attempts to achieve and succeed should have their roots in a healthy, already-existent sense of self-esteem, rather than being motivated by its absence.
I can honestly say that I wake up each morning feeling committed to doing this work that fulfils my purpose. Not because I need to supplement a low self-esteem, but because doing this work feels as natural and necessary as breathing, or making nutritious food, or walking in the bush. It’s an act of self-care, this work, and feels like something I am just meant to do — no one else expects me to do it.
I value the work I am doing here, and I do it because I believe it has worth — I wouldn’t be able to do that without others’ expectations if I didn’t have a higher sense of self-esteem than I had previously recognised.
So that’s a nice thing to have realised, and was well worth taking stock for. I am grateful, and very fortunate.
Check out the article, and let me know what you think. I think it’s essential we question the narratives telling us we need to achieve more — always more, never enough.
What is your enough?
If societal expectations drive a lot of us to be always achieving, never satisfied to just exist and accept ourselves for our inherent worth, but also no achievement is ever sufficiently satisfying, what to do?
Kokoro 心 Heart 